Sick

Reading about that makes me sick. Really, really sick.

I don't want him to hurt you in any way. I don't want you to be hurt in general.

That one day when I got a call that you fell, my world stopped turning. I dropped all of my problems along with everything else in my life and ran to you, to make sure you were ok.

I can't lose you to anything. I really, honestly can't.

I can't see that happen to you, and replay my past in my mind.

I can't see what happened to me happen to you.

I'm here for you, darlin'. I always am.

I just want you to know I'm here to talk. About anything.

Please just listen to this, if anything:

Be careful.

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In other news, here's a piece I just wrote.

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"Our planet is poisoned, the oceans the air...around and beneath and above you..."

I am afraid of the power behind words.

I sat on my couch, watching the ceiling. I debated whether or not I should tell you.

"I'm trying to tell you..."

I closed my eyes and thought about how you might react. To watch your beautiful smile and warm eyes to turn cold and lifeless. To watch you run from me. To hear you say what I hope you don't.

To hear you say what I hope you do.

I can't again. I can't.

This thought has been swirling in my mind for days, and yet I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of the power behind these words.

It has the power to bring joy, and just as easily destroy.

Your smile. Your eyes. Your voice.

You.

I sat up and watched the room start spinning. It got hard to breathe. My heart started racing out of control. I was dizzy and nervous all at once. Just thinking about how to tell you.

I felt nauseous. I felt stupid. I felt confused. I felt my world exploding in my face once again.

If I don't say it out loud, it won't be real.

"I..."

I stammered and stared at the wall. Everything around me was melting away.

"I..."

My mind was exploding with all sorts of different emotions. I couldn't do it.

"I..."

I fell back down on the couch and curled up under a blanket. Secure.

My phone rang and it pulled me from my point of concentration. I answered and acted as though nothing was wrong. Because there was nothing wrong. Not really, anyway.

The call ended and I stared up at the ceiling again. I watched as everything I was feeling came and swarmed me all at once again.

I whispered what I was feeling, hoping that would end all this happening.

It helped. A lot.

Walking to the door, all I kept thinking was, "I do, I do, I do..."

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out...

Suicide

Forget me. I mean it. Completely forget that I exist. I thought I would be able to get over you, but it has brought me nothing but pain so I want nothing to do with it anymore. I love you and still care about you, but I know you cant feel the same way. Maybe sometime in the future our paths will cross again....I really hope so.....Im sorry, but I need you to forget about me. Goodbye Sammy. And this time it's final.

Fuck. You.

No, seriously. You can go fuck yourself.

You ruined my perfectly amazing night, along with something I read. But seriously...What the fuck?

I don't know if this is what it's meant to be, but it sure sounds like a suicide note.

Forget me. I mean it. Completely forget that I exist.

Ok, yeah. Just saying that is going to make me worried sick that your going to do something very stupid with yourself. I might be done with you, but saying shit like that isn't going to help me "forget" you.

I thought I would be able to get over you, but it has brought me nothing but pain so I want nothing to do with it anymore. I love you and still care about you, but I know you cant feel the same way.

I have told you this a million times, and I know I did not believe it for a while, either. But seriously: All it takes is time. And telling ME to forget about YOU is not going to help YOU in this situation. And saying that you love me isn't going to help, either. Especially since you can't decide whether you do or don't love me. And don't say that I "cant feel the same way" because I can feel love. Maybe not towards you, but trust me. I have the ability to feel the same way. You're just reminding me of the feelings I'm battling with now...Feelings I don't want to admit.

Maybe sometime in the future our paths will cross again....I really hope so.....

You may think this sounds like you're not going to kill yourself, but think again. To me this screams that you are going to. You are implying that you hope we meet each other again someday, alive or dead. In all honesty, this just makes me feel sick.

Im sorry, but I need you to forget about me. Goodbye Sammy. And this time it's final.

Really? Is that so?

What makes you think I'm going to believe you? Seeing that you always seem to find a way to tell me those words and you always manage to somehow call or message me again...

Oh, wait. You won't be able to get into contact with me if you're dead, will you?

You are implying the worst.

I've said it before, but I will say it again:

Killing yourself is a selfish escape. Don't give up on life, make it give up on you.

Some people don't have a choice. Some people die within the first hour of their life, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

And yet...your choosing to take a life that someone else might have loved to have...And we will never know.

Think about it.

Not that you will read this.

Think of me as the girl who just writes this blog to keep her sane.

Because that's all I really am. A figment of your imagination.

Stop believing I'm real.

I no longer am to you.