My deepest sympathies...

Not that I think that people actually read my blog or anything, but I have to put this blog on hold because in one of my classes, I have to keep a blog of my writing. So this blog you can find my writing at is:

www.chscwsh.weebly.com

So yeah. Sorry.

True Colors

I need opinions. And I need to know if you would consider this a vignette or more of a thought. Thanks! =]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You with the sad eyes..."

My iPod played the beautiful music through my senses and poured it straight into my thoughts. I sang along with the tune, trying to calm my senses. I felt as though the roof would cave any second.

"Don't be discouraged. Oh, I realize it's hard to take courage in a world full of people. You can lose sight of it all, and darkness still inside you make you feel so small..."

Upon first listening, I did not realize how beautiful the meaning is. So I kept playing it on repeat once I realized there was something that stuck with me, something personal and real.

"Show me a smile then, don't be unhappy. Can't remember when I last saw you laughing. If this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear, you call me up. Because you know I'll be there..."

I would do anything for my friends. Absolutely anything. I only want for them to know that I am here to listen to them if they need me. I'm here when they think they're hit rock bottom. I'm here when they are on cloud nine or above. I'm here through it all.

"If this world makes you crazy, you've taken all you can bear, you call me up. Because you know I'll be there."

My feelings don't matter. They come after my friends' feelings. They come after my friends. If I have had the worst day I've ever had, and I see my friend crying, I'll throw my feelings out the window. I'll throw everything else aside, just to make sure they're not too raw, too scared, too heart broken. I'll put a smile on so they know that at least there is one thing in this world they can always look forward to: Happiness.

Everyone reaches it eventually, right?

And those who don't think so are running from something their afraid of. Maybe thinking of giving up.

I've been there. So I know.

Eventually, you find it. That one thing that makes you truly happy. That one thing that makes you smile.

You might have it now, and not realize it.

If you do have it, I suggest you embrace it for as long as you can.

If you don't, keep looking. Don't give up. Life is too short, anyway.

I try to see the good in people. Finding that good makes me happy.

Having that destroyed makes me melancholy.

But I still look forward to that moment when I see you smile.

"And I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors,
True colors, are beautiful,
Like a rainbow..."

Descriptiveness

The universe. Expanding, expanding, expanding. And when you think it's going to explode, it just keeps expanding and amazing you.

Stars winking at you from high above; that moment when you see a shooting star.

Being at the top of the roller coaster, and that moment right before you plummet down.

Holding on to a balloon string so tightly, not wanting it to ever fly away.

Electricity shocking your body with every touch.

Warmth and coziness surrounding you.

Your senses igniting and becoming more acute; becoming more aware.

Fire inside you finally igniting and lighting up your eyes and smile more than you thought possible.

Butterflies not only in your stomach, but all around you.

Melting, melting, melting...

The power and confidence to do anything, as long as you're standing there.

Feeling young.

The world becoming more beautiful by the second.

Feeling like everything could last forever, as long as you still care.

The balloon string slowly slipping out of your hand...

And everything is lost.

But sometimes, you're able to catch that string before it gets too far.

And sometimes, that's all you need for everything to be right again.

I love you.

~~~~~~~~~

Dylan: Love is every time you see the person, your stomach drops...I don't know why. That's just what it feels like.

Renee: How to describe love...hm...Feeling completely comfortable with someone, wanting to be with them almost all the time...realizing that you haven't stopped smiling since you've been with them. ;)

Jimmy: Love is just a confidence trick. Nature's way of suckering a mammal with a brain an a long, vulnerable gestation period into repreoducing. We humans can think, so ordinary animal-grade maternal instinct wouldn't be enought to cause human women to go through all that, not if they stopped and thought about what was involved. So there you have love. It's a substistute for rational thought; looking at it that way, it's the complete antithesis of what being human's all bout. We can make choices, which makes us unique. Love takes away all choices, and there you are. Worse still, love inevitably leads to the worst pain of all, when you lose the people you love. Those who complain about not having any love, might as well be complaining about not having a shattered femur. That's all there is to say about that.

<(")

"Are you going to tell me?"

I hid my face behind my hair and hands and smiled. How could he not know?

"I can't. You don't understand."

"What are you afraid of?"

"A lot of things. The world exploding. You running away from me. You..."

I couldn't even finish my thought. I just kept walking beside him, holding what seemed like the biggest secret in my heart. I didn't have the courage to tell him.

I kept thinking about how I felt the other night when I was thinking about how I would tell him. If I acted like that when he wasn't even there, how could I possibly say it without my universe exploding?

He pulled me to a set of steps and said, "I'm not leaving this spot until you tell me."

I laughed and sat next to him. "Then we're going to be here for a very long time. I hope you know that."

He sighed and pulled me into his arms. I made a point of not looking at him and hiding more. He whispered, "Why would I run away?"

I wanted to tell him exactly what I was thinking: Most people would.

My heart kept racing faster and faster as the words danced on the tip of my tongue. I started shaking and blushing. I kept saying things like "I can't" or "Why do you want to know?". But I knew I had to tell him. Eventually he would find out anyway.

I hadn't said it out loud before. I hadn't even tried to, really.

"Please Sammy? I'll let you tickle me! That's how much I want to know."

I laughed. I laughed to cover up what I was really feeling.

He then took off his glasses and started talking in a nasal librarian voice. I laughed and put my arms around him while saying, "You are such a dork!"

"And you love me for it?"

Silence.

Completely dead silence for what seemed like an eternity.

"...Maybe?"

He chuckled and looked at me. His eyes were willing me to say it. I took a deep breath and started to try to form the words in my mouth.

"Dylan, I can't. I can't say it."

"Why not?"

"Because if I say it, it's real. Not just some thought that happens to be on my mind all the time. I'm afraid of those words."

He slid an arm around me and kissed me. "There's nothing to worry about. Come on, darlin' We gotta go."

We got up to leave, walking side by side. It was silent until I said, "I'm sorry. I really can't say it."

"I was going to wait for you to say it, but I guess I will. To try and make it easier for you. I love you."

An electric current of warmth starting at my heart went through me. I could feel it all the way to the tips of my fingers. I went weak in the knees.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I do."

It was silent. Then I said, "You know what? I just need to fucking breathe, form the words in my mouth and say it."

I kept breathing, keeping track of the rhythm of my heart. Suddenly, without warning, I said it.

"I love you."

He stopped walking and turned to face me, pulling me into him. I buried my face in his chest, not believing that I had just said it.

I walked him home, holding his hand and smiling the entire way there. When I had to go, I walked home feeling like this great weight had been lifted off of me, and that I could relax once again.

I didn't stop smiling the entire night.

I haven't stopped smiling since then.

Sick

Reading about that makes me sick. Really, really sick.

I don't want him to hurt you in any way. I don't want you to be hurt in general.

That one day when I got a call that you fell, my world stopped turning. I dropped all of my problems along with everything else in my life and ran to you, to make sure you were ok.

I can't lose you to anything. I really, honestly can't.

I can't see that happen to you, and replay my past in my mind.

I can't see what happened to me happen to you.

I'm here for you, darlin'. I always am.

I just want you to know I'm here to talk. About anything.

Please just listen to this, if anything:

Be careful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, here's a piece I just wrote.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Our planet is poisoned, the oceans the air...around and beneath and above you..."

I am afraid of the power behind words.

I sat on my couch, watching the ceiling. I debated whether or not I should tell you.

"I'm trying to tell you..."

I closed my eyes and thought about how you might react. To watch your beautiful smile and warm eyes to turn cold and lifeless. To watch you run from me. To hear you say what I hope you don't.

To hear you say what I hope you do.

I can't again. I can't.

This thought has been swirling in my mind for days, and yet I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of the power behind these words.

It has the power to bring joy, and just as easily destroy.

Your smile. Your eyes. Your voice.

You.

I sat up and watched the room start spinning. It got hard to breathe. My heart started racing out of control. I was dizzy and nervous all at once. Just thinking about how to tell you.

I felt nauseous. I felt stupid. I felt confused. I felt my world exploding in my face once again.

If I don't say it out loud, it won't be real.

"I..."

I stammered and stared at the wall. Everything around me was melting away.

"I..."

My mind was exploding with all sorts of different emotions. I couldn't do it.

"I..."

I fell back down on the couch and curled up under a blanket. Secure.

My phone rang and it pulled me from my point of concentration. I answered and acted as though nothing was wrong. Because there was nothing wrong. Not really, anyway.

The call ended and I stared up at the ceiling again. I watched as everything I was feeling came and swarmed me all at once again.

I whispered what I was feeling, hoping that would end all this happening.

It helped. A lot.

Walking to the door, all I kept thinking was, "I do, I do, I do..."

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out...

Suicide

Forget me. I mean it. Completely forget that I exist. I thought I would be able to get over you, but it has brought me nothing but pain so I want nothing to do with it anymore. I love you and still care about you, but I know you cant feel the same way. Maybe sometime in the future our paths will cross again....I really hope so.....Im sorry, but I need you to forget about me. Goodbye Sammy. And this time it's final.

Fuck. You.

No, seriously. You can go fuck yourself.

You ruined my perfectly amazing night, along with something I read. But seriously...What the fuck?

I don't know if this is what it's meant to be, but it sure sounds like a suicide note.

Forget me. I mean it. Completely forget that I exist.

Ok, yeah. Just saying that is going to make me worried sick that your going to do something very stupid with yourself. I might be done with you, but saying shit like that isn't going to help me "forget" you.

I thought I would be able to get over you, but it has brought me nothing but pain so I want nothing to do with it anymore. I love you and still care about you, but I know you cant feel the same way.

I have told you this a million times, and I know I did not believe it for a while, either. But seriously: All it takes is time. And telling ME to forget about YOU is not going to help YOU in this situation. And saying that you love me isn't going to help, either. Especially since you can't decide whether you do or don't love me. And don't say that I "cant feel the same way" because I can feel love. Maybe not towards you, but trust me. I have the ability to feel the same way. You're just reminding me of the feelings I'm battling with now...Feelings I don't want to admit.

Maybe sometime in the future our paths will cross again....I really hope so.....

You may think this sounds like you're not going to kill yourself, but think again. To me this screams that you are going to. You are implying that you hope we meet each other again someday, alive or dead. In all honesty, this just makes me feel sick.

Im sorry, but I need you to forget about me. Goodbye Sammy. And this time it's final.

Really? Is that so?

What makes you think I'm going to believe you? Seeing that you always seem to find a way to tell me those words and you always manage to somehow call or message me again...

Oh, wait. You won't be able to get into contact with me if you're dead, will you?

You are implying the worst.

I've said it before, but I will say it again:

Killing yourself is a selfish escape. Don't give up on life, make it give up on you.

Some people don't have a choice. Some people die within the first hour of their life, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

And yet...your choosing to take a life that someone else might have loved to have...And we will never know.

Think about it.

Not that you will read this.

Think of me as the girl who just writes this blog to keep her sane.

Because that's all I really am. A figment of your imagination.

Stop believing I'm real.

I no longer am to you.

Letter Six

Dear Dylan,

So. I WAS going to put your partial letter here, but I decided against it and shredded it. I hated it. So...you get something completely new. =]

I'm not exactly sure of what to write. Everything I want to write really can't be put into words. Plus I've already tried to tell you everything I've wanted to tell you. Like that I'm really sketch and weird for writing two blog posts about you without even talking to you, and then you finding out later that I did do that because you read my blog and figured out pretty much instantly that it was you I was talking about...

Anyways, I am going to write about what I see in you because you want to hear it from me. So, here it goes:

In all honesty, I see a lot in you. And there is so much I'm not sure where to even begin.

-You are a great guy. You're the kind of guy a girl dreams about getting. Sweet, funny, polite...I mean, the list goes on.

-You are somebody I feel comfortable around. To me, I feel like I could look like I went to Hell and back 5 times in a row and you wouldn't care. I feel like I can tell you anything and everything, and you'll be there to listen to me.

-You are a great listener. Seriously.

-You're ridiculous.

-You're adorable.

-You make me feel really good about myself.

I'm not sure what else to say. I really don't. But at the same time, I feel like I'm nowhere near telling you as much as I want to.

As you know, you make me feel alive. And you make me feel beautiful when I'm around you.

That's why I'm not going to deny that when you tell me that, now.

I feel like the luckiest girl in Coronado when I'm walking with you. Whether we are just walking side by side or you have your arm around me, I feel amazing. My heart does gymnastics while I'm with you! That's crazy!

And it's ridiculous how much I like you. Seriously.

I like you so much that I'm afraid of admitting to myself how much I might possibly like you.

Ridiculous I am.

But you are too. So it's all good. =]

I'm glad I have you. I'm glad that you even talk to me. But really, what I've been trying to say pretty much this entire time is:

I think you're amazing. Absolutely amazing.

And I hope that you like being with me as much as I like being with you.

Sammy

P.S. I am crazy. I promise. =P

Letter Five

Dear Les,

I'm not going to censor your name because I don't care if anyone finds out who you are and I don't care if people know what you have been doing to my family for the past couple of years.

You are my mom's step father. You are my grandmother's husband. You have made my life a living Hell.

Congratulations. You are the hottest topic in our family's drama.

You have fucked over my family so badly that you aren't even aloud to see my brother graduate tomorrow. I can't believe you would think that people who have actually cared about you and have tried to help you are out to get you. I can't believe you actually think that we moved you and my grandmother out here just so we could get all of your money and your possessions.

You're a fucking idiot.

My grandmother (your wife) is losing her mind. Literally. She can't remember things like she used to. I haven't gotten any birthday or Christmas gifts from her or you for 3 years. 3 years. Same goes for the rest of my family. They haven't received anything from you guys; my mom had to call once to see if you guys knew what time it was.

I don't think you understand that we care about my grandmother. A lot. And you pulling the shit you have been is tearing my family to bits and pieces.

You ask my mom every time she checks on my grandmother how I'm doing. And when she asks why, you say, "Oh, well, you know how she has problems..."

Excuse me? How I have problems? I'm not the one with the fucking problems.

I love how you've chosen me as the main target of your insults. I love how you have actually noticed that every time we are in the same room, I leave instantly. Or that whenever you talk to me, I answer bluntly and quickly so I can get out of there. I'm surprised you actually noticed.

I used to like you. When I was little, I always looked forward to seeing you and my grandmother. But now things have changed. Now you look at me like I'm the devil's spawn. Now you have forgiven your son who stole tons of money out of your company to use on himself, and you no longer want to send him to jail because he is "in" the family circle, along with your other son who is running from the feds. Now you make rude remarks not just to me and my family, but to your wife.

You know, I get that you might not like my family because we aren't directly related to you. You were married before, but the love of your life died. Then you met my grandmother after her husband, my real grandfather died, and six month later you were married. You married her. I seriously question your motive for marrying her. If you loved her, you wouldn't be threatening her like you have been.

I hate you, Les. Seriously.

I can not believe you threatened to hit her. In front of us. You know how much that broke me? Do you know how scared my mother has been to let you guys live alone in that fucking trailer you bought just because you liked the carpet?

I can not believe that you think my uncle and my mom are trying to steal from you, when all we're trying to do is help my grandmother and see her in the best care possible. Not with some lazy slob who doesn't give a shit about her mental health and well being. She's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, dumb ass. And did you know she's depressed? Did you know that you are probably the reason she is depressed? Did you know that depression makes memory loss worse?

I bet you didn't.

I can not believe you actually have told your family shit about me that would never, EVER be true. You seriously think that Lucas and I have been having an incestuous relationship? You think Lucas and I are having sex with each other, just because my mom bathed us together when we were little? You seriously, honestly think that we went to Hawai'i over spring break just so that I could get and abortion? Did you even consider the fact that we went to Hawai'i with a family friend, or that my family is a die-hard Christian family, or that Lucas and I don't get along? I don't know how you even began to piece that together in your mind. Did you know that even if we did go to Hawai'i so I could get an abortion, that the only time we possibly could get it at would be one in the morning because my dad over plans everything?

No, you didn't.

If you were a real grandfather, like you should be, you would know how against abortion my family and I are.

If you were a real grandfather, you would see that Lucas and I would never ever do something as disgusting as have sex with each other.

If you were a real grandfather, you would not treat me and the rest of my family like shit.

If you were a real grandfather, maybe you would have taken the time to get to know me.

If you were a real grandfather...

If you were a real man, you would not threaten your wife.

If you were a real man, you would be mature and understand that we are trying to help.

But you're not. You are a weak human being, and you try to take it out on others.

I'm done with dealing with your shit. The next time you insult someone in my family, or threaten my grandmother, or anything of that nature and I am present, I will show you no mercy.

I don't care what happens to me.

You think it's a threat when you say, "I'll file for divorce if you don't stop harassing me..."? That isn't a threat. We WANT you two to be separated because we know that we can take better care of her than you ever have.

I want Grandmommy back to the way she was before: Happy.

And you're not letting that happen.

When I leave the house, I never want to talk to you again. And if I ever call your house to check on my grandmother, and you say that she is "indisposed" or some shit like that, I will call the police. You have no right to say who she can and can not talk to, and you have no right to not give her the phone.

I love her. I love her so much. You might not think that, you might not see that, but I do. I really truly do.

If I didn't, would I be crying right now?

No, I wouldn't.

I just want you out of my life. For good.

Sammy