Letter One

Dear _______,

I don't even know where to begin...But that's because I don't even know you. That's right. I don't know you, and I have never even talked to you before. Well, indirectly I suppose we have. But not really. There was a teacher answering us, so no, I guess not even indirectly.

You hang out with some of my friends. I've seen you out there talking to them...But I don't hang out much over there anymore. But the little group you talk to within that bigger group, well, I like them. And they seem like your type of people...Although, I don't really know.

I sit across the way from you, and it's almost as if you don't even notice me. There's something about you, but I'm not sure what it is. I want to get to know you, but you'll never find out. And, quite honestly, I never intend for you to find out.

You don't even know who you are. You could be reading this right now, and not even realize it's you. But I know you aren't reading this. That would be weird. We're not friends, not even on Facebook. You're just the boy who sits across from me.

I didn't even know your name for a while, but I found out when the teacher called on you one day in class, and then I ran into you a few times outside of school. It's not even that I've been thinking about you, or that I like you...I don't know what it is...But something about you, like I said before, makes me really want to talk to you.

I sometimes catch you looking at me, and sometimes I then look at you. And sometimes, we even hold each other's gaze for more than just a few seconds. You seem to be a calm, easy-going guy; that's the vibe I get from you, anyway. But we've never even had a conversation before...

I don't think you'll ever read this, and that's ok, seeing that you won't even know that it's you in the first place...Unless I tell you, but I won't.

For whatever reason, every day in that class, ever since the first time our eyes met...I find myself trying to catch your gaze again. And I don't know why. You and I, we're so quiet in that class. But I like to listen to your voice. That much I know.

So, just in case you do read this, speak up some more! Or at least talk to me, because I am afraid to talk to you. I want to get to know you...I just...I just don't know how.

But anyway, I guess I'll see you around, seeing that you'll never know who you are. And I guess I'll never know more about you, as much as I wish I did...

Well, I'll end this, I suppose...

See you around...I think...

Sammy

Prom

Ok...so this is stupid.

I mean, really stupid.

I don't get why I'm so worried about it right now. But maybe that's because the prom date I was going to have isn't going to be my prom date anymore because the whole process will be too complicated. But seriously, right now, one of my biggest worries is that I don't have a prom date.

And, in all honesty, I doubt I'm going to get one.

The guys that I think are interested in me or that I know are interested in me (that go to my school) I don't like, and going to prom would give them the wrong idea. Which is something I definitely want to avoid. Then there are really no guys I'm interested in enough to actually try to make something happen with them. I mean, there are guys that I see and I think, "Oh, it would be cool to date them," but I know nothing would ever happen between us, so it's more like one of those crushes where I'm pretty much invisible to them, and I accept that. And I honestly don't mind it.

Plus, I've made a promise to myself that I'm not going to date for a while. And I'm going to stick to that.

But I don't get why I'm so worried about it. It's really not that big of a deal. Either I get asked to prom and I go, or I don't get asked and I don't go...

My friends want me to go no matter what. But the fact is that I don't have very much fun at school dances, especially without a date, so why would I want to go to something I most likely wouldn't have that much fun at?

Well, I don't know. I mean, I kind of want to start over completely with someone I barely know. Or with someone I don't know at all. I kind of want to go to prom with someone I would least expect, someone I would never expect to ask me...

Wouldn't that be cool? I think so.

But I doubt it will happen. And maybe I will go to prom stag...But I don't really know. Maybe I'll ask one of my friends, but I feel that might be kind of like a "Oh, I don't have a date so I'll ask the first person who pops into my head" type of situation, which I think is kind of rude and unwanted.

Meh, I don't know. It just makes me worried. I guess I just don't like being alone.

Hmm...Maybe Michael Bublé will pop out of nowhere and ask me...Yummy Scrumbos. =]

But in all seriousness, I want a date. But it won't be the end of the world if I don't get one.

Michael Bublé just made me feel better...

Summer turned to winter

And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said, babe, you're not lost

How can he just put the perfect words into my thoughts? I wish I could meet him...

Well, I guess whatever happens, happens. And we'll just have to see what does.

Alcohol

Really? Are you fucking serious?

You called me up drunk?

Bullshit. Absolute bullshit.

I wasn't mad at all before. I was trying to be nice and give us both time to think. But now I'm just plain pissed.

1. You basically accuse me of not understanding your pain with this situation.

2. You assume that I'm not feeling any pain whatsoever just because you think I haven't been crying over this or that I haven't been wanting to kill myself over this.

3. You tell me to listen to a song that is very one sided. (It only points out one side of the situation.)

4. You're telling me to "not feel bad" OR you keep apologizing because you think you need to.

5. You call me up drunk enough to be stuttering, slurring, and repeating stupid things.

And you seriously think I should feel bad now? #1-4, ok. I can handle those. But #5? Wow. Just...wow.

1-2. You think I don't understand what you're going through? Really? And you think I'm not giving a shit about this situation? You think I'm just sitting here twiddling my fucking thumbs? You think I'm not fucking stressed out? You think I don't have other things going on in my life right now? You think that I don't CARE about you? What the Hell is wrong with you?

No, I haven't been crying. Why? Because I'm trying to be strong.

No, I haven't become "more suicidal" over this. Why? Because I can't. I can't bear the thought of how my friends would react if I did something as selfish as taking my own life. Someone else would have wanted it. Someone else would have used it more wisely than I did. Someone who might have died of cancer, of some other horrible disease. And they didn't have a choice. They had to leave their loved ones. Why should I waste mine away on a knife? Or on jumping out a window? Or any other way out, for that matter.

That doesn't mean I'm not feeling anything.

Make life give up on you. Don't give up on life. Because in the end, you'll be so much stronger than you ever thought you could be.

3. It's a great song. Only problem? It only shows your point of view. All it made me do was make what I've been feeling worse. It suggests that the girl doesn't care what the guy feels. It suggests that the girl is a cold, heartless bitch. And, honestly, I haven't been bitchy to you at all until right now. I don't want to leave you "lonely". But you're not. You have friends. And I want to be your friend. And don't say that you're lonely because you don't have a girlfriend. It's only high school. You don't need a girlfriend right now. What you need are your friends, which you have plenty of. Plus, ending this completely is the only way I see that will let us both get through this.

I'm sorry. But this is the best for both of us.

4. Look, you send me that song, you send me messages, you talk to my friend non-stop about your feelings right now, and you think I'm not going to feel bad? Do you know me at all? And don't apologize. That just makes me feel even worse.

5. Want to know why I don't drink? Because I am depressed. You think I don't know that "alcohol and depression don't mix well"? Ha. That's hilarious, seeing that a lot of my friends I've recently lost I left because they started drinking. Guess why most of them started drinking. They were depressed or insecure about themselves. And they made a lot of stupid decisions because of that.

I've seen what alcohol has done to people.

The Top 3 Alcoholic Moments that Make Me Never Want to Drink:

1. One time, my dad went to a party where they were making Mai Tais. They happen to be one of my dad's favorite drinks. He decided to mix his own. He getting tired, he told my mom he was walking home. The house he was at was two houses away from mine. I was sitting with my friend and my babysitter, and we were playing some board game I don't remember anymore. I heard my dad walk down the walkway, and I told Daniel (the babysitter) that my dad must be home. I heard my dad put the key into the lock, and then I heard a loud ringing noise, as if something hit the metal trellis next to my front door, and a loud thump. I got scared, and I ran to the window to see what happened. I saw my dad, lying in the front walkway, not moving. I screamed. I thought he was dead. I started crying. Daniel ran out and yelled, "Dr. Hemp!" and tried to shake him awake. My dad woke up and looked really confused. Daniel led him up to his room, and then Daniel stayed with us until my mom got home, and told her what happened. My dad had passed out, and he was almost knocked out because his head hit the trellis, and it was because he got drunk off of his own Mai Tais. The next morning, my dad couldn't even go to work because he was so hung over. We didn't go to church (it was Sunday), and all morning I got to listen to the sound of my dad retching. My dad was the one person I thought was stronger than Superman. And yet there he was, weakened just because of alcohol.

2. One time, while in Hawaii, my family and my friend's family were walking down a street when we heard someone yelling across the street. There was a drunk person walking down the street arguing with herself about what color Volkswagen Bug would be better: Pink or Silver. And she was stumbling around, running into people, and I felt as though I could smell the alcohol from where I was standing. My dad joked, "That's what'll happen to you if you do poorly in school." But it really scared me. That lady really scared me. I never wanted to look that idiotic. I never wanted to smell that horrible smell on me. I never wanted to be like her. I would have rather died.

3. On a New York subway, a guy who I had seen earlier on the streets, who claimed to be homeless, walked onto the subway. He was sitting in a wheelchair when I saw him before. When he walked on, he was pushing the wheelchair on. He stood right next to me. He smelled too much of alcohol and body odor. His teeth were yellow, his skin old, leathery, and gray. He looked and smelled sickening. In Huck Finn, Huck describes Pap. That is an exact description of this guy, but worse. Anyway, this guy started trying to talk to me. He kept asking me if I knew where the subway went. I tried to ignore him, but I finally said, "No, I'm sorry." He kept coming closer and closer to me, and leaning towards me every once in a while, smelling me, muttering nonsense to himself, putting his hand closer to mine on the subway pole. The subway came to a stop, and people started walking off. My aunt, who was on the other side of the subway, told me to go over to her because she had a question. Relieved, I ran over the her, and she said, "I wanted you to get away from that creep. He looked like he wanted to - " And she just stopped talking, not wanting to finish her sentence. I didn't understand at first, but now I do. I understand completely what could have happened.

There are so many others. Alcohol makes people do stupid thing. Alcohol makes people drive uncontrollably. Alcohol is one of the reasons there are kids who get raped or molested or abused every night by their own parents. Alcohol is one of the reasons people get hurt. No one deserves to get hurt, no matter what the reason is.

What does alcohol really do?

It makes you weak.

It makes you hurt those you might truly care about.

It makes you hurt people in general.

Only weak people do that.

Proof? Listen to Joey by Sugarland.

And so, I end this in the words of Michael Buble's song Haven't Met You Yet:

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times,
I stopped keepin' track.
Talked myself in,
I've talked myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it,

I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out...

The underlined part, that's the key.

Someday, it will all turn out. It will all work out. Maybe not in the way we want it to. Maybe not in the way we expect it to.

We'll soon reach happiness. Everyone does at some point, so why won't you? Why won't I, or anyone else for that matter? Anything can happen. Anything is possible.

But we can't expect things while we are young. I've learned that the hard way.

I'm sorry, but we can't be together. I'm too stressed to handle a relationship right now. Especially a long distance one. My schedule doesn't have time. And I won't be in a relationship for a while because of this. This is my own decision I've made myself. I need to be single, whether I want to be or not.

I'm sorry I have to hurt you because of this. This is the only way. I just have to say it straight out, or you won't understand. I can't be with you. Besides, two suicidal people can't be together in a healthy relationship. It never turns out well.

I want to stay friends, but I don't know if I can if you're going to call me up and leave me a message like that the way you did tonight.

By the way, you aren't a loser in any way. Never say that about yourself. I know you better than that. But don't go down that road...please...

I'm sorry for bitching at you. But it was the only way.

And so, good bye. For now.

P.S. I'm sorry if you weren't really drunk, but it sounded like it, plus you implied it in the text you sent me after the voice message you left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's a wild, wild whisper
Blowin' in the wind
Callin' out my name like a long lost friend
Oh I miss those days as the years go by
Oh nothing's sweeter than summertime
And American honey...

- Lady Antebellum; American Honey