Long time, no post.

I haven't written here in a while, I must admit.But great things have been happening since my last blog, which, as some people said, was slightly depressing. And a lot of people said I should tell him how I felt.

Well, I wasn't planning on it, but I did...And he feels the same way.

It kind of slipped one night when we were talking, but that's all I'll say about it for now.

So, I said in my last blog I didn't want to be in love again. This is partially true, but that's really because I'm afraid of getting hurt again...

But, now that I've thought about it, I'm really afraid of hurting him...I don't care what happens to me...

I've been through that kind of pain before, so I know I can overcome it and survive. But he's never felt like this about anyone before. If I in any way hurt him...I don't know if I could forgive myself.

Then again, if you look at me, I really don't like hurting anyone. Emotionally, anyway. It physically pains me to see my friends in pain. It pains me when my friends are doing or about to do something that could hurt them for a really long time. I blame myself sometimes for some of the things they're thinking about. I honestly blame myself.

All I want is for them to be open with me; sometimes they're not.

Well, anyway, back to the happier stuff. So, yes. I am in love...and he loves me back. I'm pretty sure some people will say, "It's too soon," or "Are you sure about this?"

Here's the thing: If I wasn't really in love again, I wouldn't be feeling what I am. People say that when you find "the one", you just know. I know. That's all.

And, seeing that Den already knew, and has known about this feeling even before I did, I can't come up with any other explanation but love.

My feelings were further confirmed last night when we were talking on the phone. Unfortunately, we don't live in the same city...not even the same state.

Anyway, he knows everything about me, basically. He knows all of the really important stuff. But when we were talking, we started talking about my past. I told him my reasoning for wanting to be a teacher, and I told him about how everything has effected me. It wasn't me asking for sympathy. It was me just telling him, and me opening up to him. When I was finished talking he said: "Sammy, that's why I love you. I love you so much and I am so sorry...For everything...And that I couldn't have been there..."

I told him not to be sorry; I'm ok now. But he still told me he was sorry and that he loved me. At that moment I knew that what I was feeling wasn't fake; there was no way it could be. Not that I thought it was fake before. This just confirmed it.

I mean, the way he says my name, the was he talks to me...I can't even believe he would choose to love someone like me. I think he deserves better, but I'm too selfish to let him go. I love him.

He's amazing. Plain and simple.

Like/Love...

I've been turning this over in my mind for a couple of months, now. And apparently it's obvious that I don't know what to think...Well, it's obvious to me, anyway.

I don't think I ever want to be in love again...

And as much as I think this, my heart, as usual, got in the way of my logical thoughts. And recently, I heard a song by Creed called Rain. It made me think about my life a little more, so I'm going to try and connect it to my life here.

"Can you help me out? Can you lend me a hand? It's safe to say that I'm stuck again..."

This is pretty self explanatory. I feel stuck at where I am, like I'm never going to progress. The only way out that I can see right now is for something to come into my life and help me out of the rut I happen to find myself stuck in right now...Telling him how I feel or to not tell him until I am sure how he feels. My heart says I should tell, my mind says I shouldn't...

"Trapped between this life and the light, I just can't figure out how to make it right..."

I'm not sure how to even tell him, if that's what I decide to do. I don't even know if he'll return my feeligs. But if I take the chance, I might find he has feelings for me as well. I would also feel better. If I told him; I physically feel sick sometimes because it hurts so bad. But I'm also risking getting hurt by telling him. If he doesn't feel the same way, or if he doesn't even think of me the way I think of him, how would ever be able to talk to him still?

" A thousand times before I've wondered if there's something more, something more..."

I've though about how I've felt about him for a few months now. I honestly have thought, "Do I like him? Or is it just me wanting to be a close friend of his?" I've thought about it extensively. And, unfortunately for me, I find myself completely in love again for the third time in my life. I simply did not want this, but it happened. I wish I could convince myself otherwise, but with the amount of time I've been thinking this, there's no other explanation for my feelings towards him...It has to be love.

*Chorus*
"I feel it's gonna rain like this for days, so let it rain down and wash everything away. I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine; with every tomorrow comes another life. I feel it's gonna rain, for days and days, I feel it's gonna rain..."

I'm hoping that somehow I will be able to not necessarily forget, but to somehow wash away everything that has happened to me while I've been in love before. I want to...or NEED to...find a way to get passed this...I need to get over this mountain that I've found I call DJ. And hopefully, when I'm over that, I'll be so much happier.

"I tried to figure out, I can understand what it means to live on again..."

Once again, I need to really move on from DJ. It's just a matter of knowing how or trying to find why I still feel this way.

"Trapped inside the truth and the consequence, nothing's real, nothing's making sense..."

I'm trapped between my true feelings and what could possibly happen if I tell _________ how I feel about him. I don't want to lose our friendship, and I don't want things to get awkward between us, but at the same time my feelings for him are so strong I don't know how much longer I can keep them hidden from him...

"A thousand times before, I've wondered if there's something more, something more...I feel it's gonna rain like this for days, so let it rain down and wash everything away. I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine. I feel it's gonna rain like this, rain like this, rain like this!"

"Fall down, wash away my yesterdays. Fall down, so let the rain fall down on me..."

I just want all my confusion and complication to go away somehow. I want to know what I can do just to get it out of my life, presently. And I'm not sure whether that means I should or should not tell him hoe I feel...

"A thousand times before, I've wondered if there's something more, something more...I feel it's gonna rain like this for days, so let it rain down and wash everything away. I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine. I feel it's gonna rain like this, rain like this, rain like this...I feel it's gonna rain like this, rain like this, rain like this..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k3jxi4JhXA ; Just in case you haven't heard the song.

I just hope I get over all of this confusion soon...I'm sure y'all do too.

I really wish I wasn't in love again...This means more pain for me in the long run...

Tears

I got out of CoSA right on time today...for once.

But I really wish I hadn't, because of what I saw when I walked home.

I should have taken Alicia's offer and gotten a ride with her. But no, I just had to have some thinking time to myself. And of course that didn't happen.

After saying hi and hugging a few friends of mine, I noticed him up ahead, walking with her. Just walking, nothing more. Not even holding hands. They were walking and talking and laughing and having a good time. She lives only half of a block away from me; he chose the one person I would most likely see him with all of the time. They crossed the street, they opened her gate, and walked inside her yard. She went up to her door, and I assume it was locked because she turned right around and went through the back way, him following behind her.

I didn't want to believe what I saw. I didn't want to believe he was happy without me. He's made that clear already, but I wish I didn't have to see that every day of my life. He doesn't know I miss him; he doesn't know I still exist.

I wanted to run to him and ask him what exactly made him stop loving me. I wanted to ask why; I wanted to ask when.

I really need to know...

I ran the rest of the way home and ran up the stairs to my room. I slammed the door behind me and threw my backpack onto the floor, face-planting into my pillow in the process. On my bed, I waited for the tears to come. And, not being a minute too late, they came.

I wanted to cry myself into a coma, never feel this pain again. I didn't realize I still...felt this strongly about him. I thought I was done with crying, but obviously I wasn't.

I wish I knew what to do; I wish I knew how to stop this feeling from coming every time I see him.

I wish it wasn't like this.

I waited for sleep to come, but it never did.

So I laid there and waited in misery for the life I once had to never come again.