Whispering

The title of this is the title of the song I got the following lyrics from...

"And he touched me, and I let him love me. So let that be my story..."

This is how I feel every second of the day because of what happened back in July. That's all I'll say about that for right now.

I've been thinking a lot lately. And certain thoughts have come through mind that have really concerned me. And if something I think concerns me, that just is plain weird. The thought that concerned me the most was my feelings about marriage.

Now there are certain things you need to know about me to fully understand this.

1. I've been planning my wedding, in detail, since eighth grade.

2. I've even got how I want to proposed to laid out. In detail.

2. I watch "Say Yes to the Dress" like it's a soap opera.

3. I have a commitment issue, but I have always felt I can not wait to get married.

4. I've always just wanted to know who I was going to be with for the rest of my life.

What I realized is this:

I am more afraid of getting married than not getting married at all.

This does not make any sense. Especially if you know me and talk to me a lot. My wedding is one of the many things I talk about constantly. And yet I'm afraid of it happening.

I don't know what to make of this. It leaves me absolutely clueless about myself, and makes me question my feelings about many things. Like now I'm questioning everything I've wanted to do for a while.

And I haven't been having the best of times lately, so I haven't exactly been in good moods, either. I apologize to anyone I've recently been kind of bitchy to. I don't know what's wrong with me. But I wish I knew...I've just no been myself recently. And that really brings me down.

Military Ball tomorrow night. Hopefully that will help take my mind off of things for a bit.

Farewell, my friends. For now, anyway.

Please...

Blood and tears are shed every day of our lives, and yet we never seem to acknowledge anyone's existence unless they're close to us. Most tears go unnoticed; most blood gets washed away by the unwilling eyes of others.

You say you are hurting me, or that you somehow have caused me to be hurting right now...But what I feel and think is not your fault. It's my choice.

Right now, this is how I am feeling. And, once again, it's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself. The song: Walking Among My Yesterdays. This is the only way I can express my feelings. I have to show you through songs that I sing to myself; softly and sweetly in my sleep, this song has played on for the last few days.

Walking Among My Yesterdays

Was it really all that sweet

In that house

And along that street?

Mem'ry clouds

In a thousand ways,

Walking among my yesterdays.

Did it really happen?

Was it real?

Eyes can see

What the heart can feel

Visions vanish

Beneath the gaze

Walking among my yesterdays.

Hold, hold, hold!

Wait for me!

Light the picture,

Let me see...

Souvenirs

Of the past remain

Bits of pleasure

And scraps of pain.

Love may pass,

But the perfume stays

Walking among my yesterdays.

Hold, hold, hold!

Wait for me!

Light the picture,

Let me see...

Now and then

The image clears;

Truth is plain

Then it disappears:

One more trick

That the camera plays

Walking among my yesterdays.

Hold, hold, hold!

Walking among my yesterdays...

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You wanted to know what's been going through my mind, but I can't really say. It's all really hazy anyway.

This is the only way I can tell you; It's the only way I really know how.

*Yawn*

I have come to the conclusion that I'm not very good at this blogging thing...But oh, well.

It is almost 4:30 in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep for about two hours, now. I don't really know what's wrong with me, but I haven't been able to sleep well at all, lately. Last night I had a reason for not sleeping well, but all these other nights...I don't really know.

But the reason I'm writing here right now is because I'm confused as to what I should write about...In my creative writing class, we are creating a literary magazine. I've had many ideas pass through my head as to what to write, but I can't come up with anything. This is weird for me. Usually, I can just write. And I don't have to think.

This is all so absurd. Why can't I just write? Why can't I just sleep? Why do I have to over think things so much?

I need to think of something. The deadline is March 26th...A week from Friday...

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Something tells me I shouldn't be here anymore...Something tells me that my time is up.

The darkest dark eats me in silence as I just lay there, unwilling to dream. More willing to scream...

Why am I here?

I run through the dark path, the raven's beady eyes following me all the way down, down, down...

I run through the rose bushes, thorns digging into me. Making me bleed, making me cry out for mercy. Making me fall to the cold, unforgiving ground. I look at my hands, the lines carved in there for a lifetime, but sliced open and dyeing my world a coagulated red...

I pick myself up, my wedding dress torn. My make-up running, the raven following me. Why am I running? Where am I going?

I feel like some sort of corpse bride. I feel as though I've crawled out of the ground just in time...but just in time for what?

I'm a mess. Covered in blood, covered in the rips and tears of a dress, covered in my own black tears.

Something kicking inside of me. What is it? My fear. My anxiety. The one thing I'll never be able to escape.

Damn you, foolish nightmare. Damn this all to hell. You want me to believe this is real, you want me to believe I'm heartless, hopeless, weak...

The ground is smoother and cooler against my feet. More even, more waxy. I open my eyes and I'm down in my own kitchen, my own house, my own clothes...

The knife I hold is in my hand, covered in my own blood...My arms and legs look as though I've run through thorns...but what do I know.

I turn around, just in time to see a hooded face lurking outside of my door. So quietly and graciously, the hood floats through the glass of my door and meets me. A hand reaching through my chest, I fall to the ground. I can no longer feel. I am numb...

I open my eyes once again. I'm in my own bed, but somethings not right. Every time I breathe, I smell it...I taste it...

I look down, the wedding dress still torn and bloody. I look in the mirror, and there he is...Staring right back at me.

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Well, I think this is proof that I should not write this early in the morning. But that's ok. I'll try to see if I can get some sleep...

Radio

So, while on my way to counseling one day, a song came on the radio. It's called According to You by Orianthi. And, well...I thought it was pretty much self explanatory of how my life all fell together in February. Here are the lyrics:

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay.

According to me
you're stupid,
you're useless,
you can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you. [you, you]
According to you. [you, you]

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Basically, it made me smile. It made me want to burst into tears of laughter. This is pretty much exactly what went through my head when I realized I loved my Texan.

And that's all I have to say right now.

OH! And by the way, I'm going to post a piece up here soon. Tell me what you think of it when it's up here. =D